BATTS.DOC, the Truth At Last, by Joe Horn

jlysagh@hubcap.clemson.edu [james joseph lysaght] writes:

> ...under further experimentation I discovered that if I reinserted
> the same 3 batteries in the calculator but in different positions I
> got another 3-4 months out of the set...
> ...Logically I can assume that not every battery is the same so they
> may fail at different times.  This does not account for the effect
> of position in the calculator though...

To which DEB3291@TNTECH.BITNET [David Byrd] replies:

> Could you please clue a fellow EE student, as well as all the other
> subscribers, on *which* battery positions you are talking about?
> I'd do anything to get batteries to last a little longer.

The clue to both of these puzzles is: The Ether Wind.  Batteries tend
to drain at different speeds depending on their Absolute Position in
The Universe due to the effect of the Ether Wind (see any pre-1881
physics text).  Although most users carry their HP 48 about, and
randomize its position enough, some users apparently are so sedentary
that they keep theirs in one Absolute Position long enough to give the
battery(s) facing one direction constipation, and give the other(s),
uh, a higher rate of drainage.

If you find that the battery(s) facing a particular direction always
die first, I suggest any of the following to neutralize this effect of
the Ether Wind and to make your batteries last as long as possible:

(1) Keep your HP 48 wrapped in several layers of lead foil.  (You can
    have a hole above the display, since the batteries are at the
    other end, and you know the keyboard by heart by now anyhow).  If
    you use the HP 48 a lot, you can avoid lead poisoning by covering
    the lead foil with a layer of aluminum foil.  (Helpful hint: also
    keep your spare batteries refrigerated and individually wrapped in
    lead foil).

(2) Hold the 48 rightside up one week, then upside down the next week,
    and so on.  You'll probably want to switch hands, too, since your
    wrist will tend to cover the display otherwise.  You can get used
    to it in just a few months.

(3) Store your 48 at night on a rotating object, such as a microwave
    oven's turntable.  (Do *not* tie it to the blade of a fan,
    however, since the centrifugal force will distribute the electrons
    unevenly in the batteries causing the electricity to get clogged.)

(4) Stop being such a couch hacker; program while driving, skiing,
    skydiving, and other mobile activities.

(5) Use a marble slab, pool of mercury, laser beam, mirrors, and
    diffraction grating to determine the direction of the Ether Wind,
    and rotate your couch accordingly.

Sorry to belabor the obvious, but people keep asking.

-Joe Horn-    -Peripheral Vision, Ltd.-
"Glad to help!"  -- Petunia