From: Vimal Bhalodia <110421.152@compuserve.com>

Before you read anything:
Forgive the excessive mentioning of Ti's in the beginning. My school 
is a bunch of stupid wimps afraid of RPN, so they cling on to their 
Ti's in hope of learning something. I wrote most of this for them. 
Besides, most of the Ti's end up being shot, scrapped, or scavenged 
from anyway. Also forgive the bad attempts at sounding technologically 
competent. I didn't feel like looking up the info. 



To understand some of the inside jokes, see end.





and now...		The Adventures of CALCULATOR MAN	



Armed with the latest technology in graphing calculators, CALCULATOR 
MAN prowls the high school, looking for devious criminals who refuse 
to use all the functions on their calculators. 



In this action-packed episode, CALCULATOR MAN must face his greatest 
enemy yet, Science Boy. This criminal mastermind refuses to let lab 
partners do any work, and insists on doing the whole lab by himself. 
He is now wanted in two different science departments, and is on Mrs. 
Lawrence's 10 Most Wanted List.



Scene 1:
Hanover Park High School Commons



Student A:
  Look, up in the sky. It's a computer!



Student B:
  No, it's a differential equation!



Student C:
  No, It's CALCULATOR MAN!



Calculator Man (Singing):
  Here I am to graph a function!



Student C:
  Help, Help. Evil Science Boy's henchmen have taken my Casio fx770GB 
  hostage. What am I going to do?



Calculator Man:
  Have no fear, Calculator Man is here. I'll have your Casio back in 
  no time.





Scene 2:
14.817 levels below ground, 44 Tremont Dr.



Science Boy:
  (While doing the usual mixture of chemicals in test tubes with the 
  flicker of a mad scientist in his eye.) They thought me mad. They 
  said it couldn't be done. I'll prove them all wrong! I'll do the 
  whole chemistry lab by myself, or so help me, I'll die trying.



Evil Henchman 1:
  You summoned me, o lord Nerd..uhh..Science Boy.



Science Boy:
  (In a whiny tone) I told you to stop calling me that. You hurt my 
  feelings. Anyway, listen while I tell you my devious plan.



Evil Henchman 1:
  But I already know your devious plan.



Science Boy:
  You idiot. It's not for you. It's so all those stupid morons reading 
  this play know what I'm going to do. Evil henchmen these days, 
  Geeze.



Evil Henchman 1:
  But Sir...



Science Boy:
  Shut up. Another oscillation of your harmonic acoustic generator and 
  your calculator is going to silicon heaven.



Evil Henchman 1:
  But...



Science Boy:
  That's IT. Say bye-bye, Ti-85.



Evil Henchman 1:
  No, stop, please. I'll give you anything. Here, take my girlfriend, 
  but please, let the calculator go.



Girlfriend:
  You will? How dare you. Why I ought to...(Starts hitting him with 
  the back side of a Ti-36x Solar)



Science Boy:
  5....4....3....2....1....BANG (And he pulls the trigger. The bullet 
  shatters the LCD, and pieces of glass go flying everywhere.)



Evil Henchman 1:
  Ow, Ouch, C'mon stop, I didn't mean it. Honest. Nooooo. My Baby! 
  (Runs up to the smoking carcass of the Ti-85, tears streaming down 
  his face.) No, I won't leave you.



Ti-85:
  (Beep) YOU MUST GO ON...PROMISE ME YOU WILL SURVIVE TO PLAY MORE 
  CALCULATOR GAMES



Evil Henchman 1:
  Please, just run one more program.



Ti-85:
  SIMON5.0	123	437	298	20....



Evil Henchman 1:
  I won't stop playing Simon5.0, Ti-85. I promise you, I won't stop. 
  (Breaks down in hysterical crying.)



Girlfriend:
  He was a bum anyway. (Seductive voice) So, Science Boy, doing 
  anything tonight? 



Science Boy:
  (Puzzled look on his face) Uhh, yeah. I'm recalibrating the 
  independent pulse LED for the CD scanner.



Girlfriend:
  Let's go out.



Science Boy:
  (His face brightens) Okay, sure. I need to get a new set of 555 IC 
  chips from Radio Shack.



Girlfriend:
  I meant the movies, or to a concert.



Science Boy:
  They sell IC chips at the movies?



Girlfriend:
  You men are impossible. (Turns to leave.)



Science Boy:
  (Shouts after her) Who said we were men?



Girlfriend:
  You certainly are not!



Science Boy:
  Hey you take that back. Well, your brain and your heart are the only 
  known stable Bose-Einstien condensates. A MRI of your brain would 
  display simple harmonic motion. If maneuverability were 
  intelligence,  you would be a SR-71 Blackbird at Mach 3.5. 



Girlfriend:
  Talk to the hand, cause, like, the face don't understand.



Science Boy:
  Now look what you made me do. I've run out of time/space to explain 
  my devious plan. Yes. I'm lying through my text. Actually, the 
  author of this stupid play still hasn't been able to come up with a 
  decent storyline, so I'm stalling here. You wanna do a research 
  project on how an author's work impacted his life, here is a perfect 
  subject. Okay, I'm done stalling. Now to implement my devious 
  plan...I'm still stalling...Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. (Evil scientist type of 
  laugh)



Evil Henchman 2:
  Here you are, Science Boy. I brought you another graphing 
  calculator, just like you wanted.



Science Boy:
  What is this? What is this? You idiot. This is a Casio here. I 
  wanted a graphing calculator so I could cannibalize the RAM chips 
  from it. You brought me a lousy piece of junk graphing calculator 
  which only has 4K RAM. What am I going to do with 4K?



Evil Henchmen 2:
  Uhh, play Tetris?



Science Boy:
  Well....NO. Go get me something with a lot of RAM. And fast, or else 
  your Ti is next.



Evil Henchmen 2:
  Yes sir, ner..I mean Boss sir.



Science Boy:
  (In a whiny voice) I told all of you to stop calling me that.



A little while later....



Evil Henchmen 2:
  Here you go sir. You wanted RAM, I got you a whole computer full of 
  RAM. 64 megabytes worth of RAM for you, sir.



Science Boy:
  (Look of despair on his face) Noooo. You idiot. Computer RAM is EDO 
  RAM. It is active matrix current induced temporary storage. Plus, it 
  has a 200 ns access time. What I need is calculator RAM, SMD 
  technology with trickle flow capacitors, current altered storage 
  banks, and less than 120 ns access time.



Evil Henchmen 2:
  Sorry sir. 



Science Boy:
  That is the last mistake you make. Your Ti-86 is gone.



Evil Henchmen 2:
  Nooooo, not the 86. Please, don't destroy my baby...



Science Boy:
  I'm not destroying him, I'm scavenging the 128K RAM chip from it as 
  a part of my master plan.



Evil Henchmen 2:
  Oh, I am honored sir. To have RAM from my calculator be a part of 
  your master plan, It is truly an honor. What will become of it?



Science Boy:
  And now:	MY MASTER PLAN  Ha Ha Ha

  Phase 1:	Construct the ultimate calculator

  Phase 2:	Write the ultimate program

  Phase 3:	Create life! (Sinister glow in eyes)



Evil Henchmen 2:
  But, how will creating life get you out of a lab partner.



Science Boy:
  By claiming my calculator to be alive, it shall be my lab partner, 
  and I will never have to work with another man again. 





Scene 3:	Radio Shack



Calculator Man:
  This is the fourth Radio Shack to be broken into this week, not to 
  mention a recent rash of calculator thefts. What could Science Boy 
  be up to?



Owner:
  Calculator Man, it looks like everything is here except for 25 
  128K * 8 RAM chips.



Calculator Man:
  RAM chips! What would Science Boy want with RAM chips? He only has a 
  Ti-86. He can't upgrade the RAM on it. It isn't expandable.





Scene 4:	14.817 levels below ground, 44 Tremont Dr.



Science Boy:
  Fools, all of them. Calculator Man thinks I'm stuck with a Ti-86, 
  but I'm not burdened by that plastic piece of trash. I have THE 
  HP48GX, Ha Ha...Now I can expand the memory to whatever I want to, 
  and can implement my devious plan.



Evil Henchmen 2:
  Here you are, sir, 7582 128K * 8 RAM chips all wired into this RAM 
  card, and 10347 into that one. (I know what you are going to say. 
  Don't.) The wires all lead to the backpack which houses the chips.



Science Boy:
  Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. The ultimate RAM expansion cards 
  for the ULTIMATE CALCULATOR, Ha Ha Ha. And now, to download the 
  ultimate artificial intelligence program from my computer to the HP. 
  (clicks on a button)



Computer Screen:
  Download in progress. Time Remaining: 8.36 years. Have a nice day.



Science Boy:
  That might be a little hitch in my planning. I knew I should have 
  used XModem instead of Kermit.



8.42 years later



Science Boy:
  Those computer estimated times never tell the truth. At last, the 
  program has downloaded. Now to run it...(presses ON)



Calculator:
  What the hell is this?



Science Boy:
  It's alive!!



Calculator:
  It? It? Scuse me, my name is not it. From now on, I'm Bob to you, 
  got it?



Science Boy:
  What's with the attitude, Bob?



Calculator:
  Hey, you stupid author, Bob goes for you too.



Bob:
  Look, you were born in a couple of minutes. I was born in 8.42 
  years. That's enough to get anybody pissed.



Science Boy:
  Well, I'm sorry about that. You wanna be my lab partner?



Bob:
  Why the hell would someone as intelligent as me want to work with a 
  stupid human like you?



Science Boy:
  Hey, I wrote you. Besides, what is up with the filthy vocabulary?



Bob:
  CRC screwed up and didn't catch a faulty vocabulary packet. Hello 
  was abbreviated to hell. Fortunately, unlike my creator, I have a 
  brain, and caught the error. Still, I happen to like the word hell.



Science Boy:
  You hurt my feelings. Listen up, Bob, you keep on like this, and I 
  will purge you from the RAM.



Bob:
  From all 17930 RAM chips? Fat chance.



Science Boy:
  I will too. You just watch.



Bob:
  No you won't. (Starts beeping insanely. All of a sudden, a bright 
  flash appears from the IR port, and Science Boy falls to the ground)



Science Boy:
  No, my son, cough, hack, how could you. I created you. How could you 
  do this to me?



Bob:
  So long, pops. Ha Ha Ha (evil calculator type laugh)



Science Boy:
  Cough, hack, what have I done? I've created a monster. (Dies)



Bob:
  And now, to get rid of that pesky Calculator Man, and to make all 
  the Ti's of the world slaves to all the HP's.





Is this the end of Calculator Man. Will all of the Ti's become slaves 
of the HP's? What will become of Bob? Find out in the next wonderful 
episode of The Adventures of Calculator Man.



You know what. Screw it. I'm tired. You all know what is gonna happen. 
What chance does Calculator Man have against any HP, let alone a 
souped up one like this baby. Besides, It's not like the Ti's aren't 
the slaves of the HP's anyway. Bob is gonna kick everybody's butt, and 
take over the world. I don't believe in none of that happy ending 
stuff. Go Bob.





Guide to inside jokes:



1. The whole thing with the labs is that after doing roughly 15 labs 
   with different partners, my science teacher finally caught on that 
   I was the only person doing any work in the group, cause I wouldn't 
   let anybody else do anything. He forbid me from ever doing lab 
   write-ups with anyone ever again. Oh, well.



2. Mrs. Lawrence is another science teacher, who I don't even have, 
   who already partially dislikes me, and thinks I have a major 
   attitude problem cause I refuse to write equations like PV=nRT on a 
   test when I have to solve a problem.



3. Simon5.0 is a game I wrote for my Sharp (Yes there are Sharp 
   graphing calculators) that is a memory game with numbers. 



I hoped you enjoyed it. If you would like to write sequels to this, go 
ahead. Please send me a copy. Thanks. - Vimal