Newsgroups: comp.sys.hp48 Path: republic.btigate.com!news-xfer.netaxs.com!cpk-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!news.bbnplanet.com!news1.bellglobal.com!torfree!bd628 From: bd628@torfree.net (Bill Markwick) Subject: All-new HP48 FAQ! Message-ID: Organization: Toronto Free-Net X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] Date: Fri, 12 Jun 1998 18:42:22 GMT Lines: 86 Xref: republic.btigate.com comp.sys.hp48:11909 THE ALL-NEW AND IMPROVED HP48 FAQ! This list of frequently-asked questions about the HP48 was compiled by: Rupert Bahr, Professor of Mathematics, MIT, Winston T. Pue, cleaner, Hank's Good Eats, Laszlo Thick, convicted felon (extortion, assault (Hon.) 1. What peripherals do I need for my new HP48? The two most common complaints about the HP48 are the small screen and the short battery life. What most users do is buy the HP overhead projector unit, a movie screen (on casters), a truck battery, and the largest backpack you can buy (a grocery cart is often preferable to the backpack and can be bought for 25 cents in most supermarket parking lots). 2. I put in a set of new batteries and they ran down in three days! Did you ever wonder why your HP48 is sealed shut? You can find out easily by gently applying a cold chisel to the seam and giving it a few delicate taps with a 12-pound sledgehammer. Near the battery compartment, you'll see a microchip labelled either "Duracell" or "Eveready". These chips consist of a timer that short-circuits the batteries at random intervals. The battery companies who paid to have those chips installed are being investigated by the US Justice Department. 3. After I ran a program, a little number "5" appeared at the top of my screen. What does this mean and how do I get rid of it? Through the miracle of modern telecommunications, we have obtained not only your email address, but your home address as well. Four hefty armed men are on the way. They will force you to memorize and repeat the user's manual, and will then replace your HP48 with an Etch-a-Sketch. 4. What does SYSEVAL mean? You know how directories get full of small variables and pretty soon you can't find anything? SYSEVAL gives you a fast, convenient way to re-organize everything. Just type any number and then SYSEVAL, and everything is cleaned up for you instantly, and you'll have lots more free RAM. Oh yes - when it asks about recovering memory, press "No". 5. When I'm not carrying my HP48, I can sometimes still feel its weight in my hand and the touch of the keyboard. What's going on? This is called the "phantom calculator syndrome" and afflicts many users, particularly those who have just bought an HP48. Psychiatrists have a simple test: they suddenly say to the patient, "What's two plus two?" If the patient says "Ummm..." and reaches into an inside pocket, they are institutionalized. Treatment of the withdrawal symptoms is gradual desensitization: initially, the patient is given a TI-92, a week later a TI-82, and so on. If the patient can cope with the final step, which is a four-function calculator from Radio Shack, day passes may be granted. 6. Is it true that an Australian division is in charge of the next calculator from HP? Yes. TV commercials are now being reviewed. Insiders say that they consist of Paul Hogan getting out of his Subaru Outback with an HP calculator in his hand and saying "Allow, mite. Oi'm roit chuffed wiv moi itch-pee 58. Win Oi'm poachin' roos in moi Outbeck, Oi kin foind derivatives wiv a tetch of me left thumb, and at noit, too, 'cos it's becklit." Subtitles are being considered. Insiders also say, unfortunately, that the new CPU is 2-bit instead of four, the infrared protocol is reduced to 5 characters a second to save the batteries, and the implementation of Windows 98 eliminates all but 1K of free RAM. However, HP has also fixed the common complaint that serial cables are difficult to purchase: they've removed the serial port. -- - Bill Markwick, Toronto, Ontario, Canada - BD628@torfree.net